- Learn to work the toilet seat. If you’ve managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
- “I ate it, didn’t I?” is not considered praise.
- Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
- Get rid of your comb-over. It’s not different — it’s just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You’re losing your hair — face it.
- An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
- “Yeah yeah, you look fine” is not a compliment.
- Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
- You have enough ballcaps.
- You have too many t-shirts.
- You’re too old to wear a goatee.
- Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one — we’ve all heard it.
- A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
- When we ask “are you listening,” we already know you’re not.
- Your best friend is an idiot
- Nothing says “I love you” like offering to go to the grocery store.
- If you can rebuild the carburetor on a ’66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
- Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.
- A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
- A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
- Slapping us on the butt and saying “how bout getting me a cold one” is not foreplay.
- The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
- Rolling over and mumbling “I’ve got to get some sleep” does not produce an afterglow.
- If it was really good for me…you wouldn’t have to ask.
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